Tacky Races

Slumped on the sofa, with the gammy left foot in the air, I channel hopped to relieve the pain and boredom of my enforced incarceration. I alighted for 15 minutes at Sky One’s The Race and suddenly felt better, although somewhat sadder.

I was surrounded by other crocked souls, but these were exhibiting their severely injured careers in the latest mangle of car crash TV. With Denise Van Outen and her hair extension at the wheel, it is always a dead cert to be a bawdy, sickening multiple pile-up. She is a bleached relic from the awful Ladette 90’s, but is thankfully getting ever nearer to her rightful telly destination: the breaker's yard.

There were the usual £30K-plus-exes suspects. I was shocked to see Nick Moran there, rightfully looking embarassed. I interviewed him last year, at length over brunch at Soho House. He struck me as honest, talented and a decent bloke. It was a good interview but annonyingly hit the spike. I may exhume it for my website some time. Moran readily admits that his big mouth and ego has cost him dear and pissed off some serious people in the acting world, but I can't believe his career is in such a slump that he needs to take this crass role. Reverse J-spin out of there now, Nick.

However, it was the sight of David Coulthard and Eddie Irvine that nearly gave me whiplash. It seems only a few laps ago that these guys were leading the glitzy G-force life of Formula 1. Surely, they don’t need to be doing this, either for the cash or their profiles. Why? With their grey fuzz showing, and the physical bloat from less training, they are setting off on a dangerous road getting aboard this wreck.