A F-f-few F Words For Gordon

A good while back I suggested to Gordon Ramsay's publicist that his client is in desperate need of new recipe for his flabby, over-cooked public persona. He basically told me to eff off and stop being so stupid.

I was vaguely interested in Ramsay for a short time, long ago, but I knew that distant fascination had turned very sour recently when I was out choosing new crockery. I came across the Ramsay range and raged to my dearly beloved, "There is no way I'm having that git's branded crap in my house. I would rather smash every one of them and eat off the carpet than have his name under my fucking dinner." We went for Vera Wang Something-or-Other and Jamie Oliver's Teflon pans instead. Now, Jamie, he's a nice, genuine lad, I could cook with him. Ramsay, I would just want to beat to death with the heaviest pan in the collection.

I watched the return of the F-Word to see if it had improved. Starting from such a low heat, it didn't have far to rise, so I felt it might be better. Oh dear, no. This has got to be the biggest, nastiest dinner any dog has ever been served. Here are a few alternative F-words for this show: Fundamentally Fake, Facile, Faeces.

I wish Gordon well with his empire. No doubt he is a madly driven, great businessman, he might even be a truly brilliant chef, but when it comes to telly, his ridiculous swearing, yobbishness, bullying, bare-chested, vainglorious nonsense is about as appealing as a burger made from manure with a rabid dog's piss dressing.

Hey, Big Boy, could you do me, Channel 4 and everyone else a big favour and Fuck Right Off?

The answer you are looking for, mate, is: Yes, Chef.